How can a writer floundering through an existential crisis inspire herself to keep writing, let alone encourage you, the reader? You got me.
Let's get real. I'm tired. I've been at this game a while now, and at my "real" job of raising a family a whole lot longer. Most of it is hard work. Much of it I love, and some really sucks. Several tasks have gotten easier with time, but just when I get the knack and think I've finally mastered either writing or life, the rules change. It seems like I'm forever playing catch up; on sleep, on marketing, on word counts, and always on being a good mom/human. I'm hard on myself, yeah, but I'm hard on everyone else too, so it's only fair, I guess.
Self-pity makes me teary. I don't like wallowing despite the depth of my current state of self-loathing, but time and again, I crawl back into this dreaded pit that takes me twice as long to tunnel my way out of. (Yes, I know I ended that sentence in a preposition; I don't care!) I have enough mom guilt for a dozen moms, and writer's block on top of that. When you add the age factor, outside commitments, the stress of trying to put kids through college (and parenting young adults- yikes!), and me still not making a dent in the family finances except to deplete them, it all adds up to more than I can shoulder. Today, anyhow.
So, how does this whine-fest help anyone? Why would I bother to blog when all I can do is moan?
Sometimes all we need to hear is that we're not alone, that someone else understands. That they've been where we are, and believe things will get better. Your story might be different, but "the pits" are common territory. Whatever put you down here, please know that you have company. You may not have anyone reaching down to pull you up. You may have to get up under your own power. I write this from our shared pit to bolster you, both of us struggling, because I know - if I choose to - I will get back to where the sun shines again. I want to see you there.
Let's dig our way out together.
Yep, this is just about how my lawn looks, and guess what? I don't care! Soon as I finish this post, I'm headed out to the pool again with my youngest, and letting the weeds live to see another day. Summer in new England is just too short to waste.
Don't get me wrong, I love the way the yard looks (and smells!) freshly mown. Our little, rural slice of heaven can be quite stunning despite dilapidated out-buildings, a perpetually overgrown perennial garden (I haven't thinned it in years) and random divots scratched out by chickens enjoying their dust baths. But... a beautifully manicured lawn isn't as high on the priority list as a little rest and relaxation time with family. In fact, the mom in me takes family over manicured anything. I can't tell you the last time I had my nails painted. I can, however, recall the sound of my daughter's delighted laughter over the giant air bubble that got trapped in in my bathing suit and made me look like I was wearing an inner-tube earlier today.
Part of me is a little sad over lost writing time now that school is out. Let's face it, a busy household is not the best place to concentrate on developing plot lines. But, in the greater scheme of things, I would rather be present as my own story unfolds. I'm reminded of a quote - Don't get so busy chasing dreams that you lose sight of reality. The weeds are real, but so are the children who are growing up just as fast. Thank goodness I have summertime to slow down and enjoy them.
A new horizon is opening for this year's graduates. I can hardly wait to see what lies beyond it!
Exceedingly proud of all of my children, I revel in their accomplishments and celebrate what makes each one unique. When my fourth child walks across that stage next week with diploma in hand she'll be headed toward a career in neuroscience - my mind is officially blown! The coolest thing is that she could have chosen any number of career paths to follow, just like her similarly multi-talented siblings before her. The opportunities open to all of them are practically endless, unlike when I was stepping out into the world. Business or nursing were my most likely options ---- which, of course, I ignored to pursue an art degree. So, I guess I kind of set an example for them to follow:
Pursue your own dreams!
Mine are still in the process of coming true. It's a lifetime thing. I refused to be locked into something I knew wouldn't fulfill me then, and continue to make dreams my reality today through hard work and perseverance. That is another example I hope my children will follow. Let the next one commence!